Sheahen's Corner Winter 06/Summer 07

SHEAHEN'S CORNER SUMMER 2007

Subject:

WOLVES WIN DIVISION ONE CHAMPIONSHIP

Last night at Panorama, the Allies liberated Dachau. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Kirk Gibson hit a home run. And, yes, the Wolves beat the Oilers, 9 - 7, to win the Division One Championship.

It was indeed a Miracle. The Wolves walked on water for three straight Playoff games, decimating the heavily-favored Rouge, 10 - 4, in the Semifinals, and then barreling over the Oilers in two straight in the Finals.

In Game One of the Finals, the Wolves got out to a 7 - 0 lead and coasted to an 8 - 4 win. In Game Two, it was close for a while, but a three-goal McFlurry blast at the end of the second sealed the win for the lupine squad.

It was 8 - 3 after two last night and four third-period Oiler goals served only to make the score look respectable.

                                                                   I.

Somewhere along the way the Wolves must have been doused with holy water from Lourdes.

As the Wolves laced up last night, the locker room was a tad sparse. Among the missing were Joe Garofalo, Kyle Sheahen, Scott Sheahen, Eric Passi, Ramin Taheri, Todd Bowman, and, of course, Danny Quilico, Brett Sterling and Nico Rodriguez.

But the new miss-outs were glaring. Paul Medina had just left for school in New York and K.C. Mathews had to coach his high school team and could not get away for an 8:30 game.

Picking up the slack would be Shane Arundel, just back from Alaska, and Rick Allen, finally with a free night from his Pittsburgh Pirates duties. No offense to either, but Shane has been playing with a shattered shoulder and Ricky's veteran knees have taken a fierce toll on his game this year.

The Wolves were able to suit up just nine skaters for the biggest game of the year.

                                                                     II.

Marc Silverman opened the scoring just a minute into the game on a pass from favorite rookie Brandon Krikorian. But the Oilers countered with a goal at the 11-minute mark and another at the 6-minute mark.

It was now 2 - 1 in favor of the Oilers.

All-World Dre Vlassopoulos answered a minute later to tie the game at 2 - 2. Assists on Dre's goal went to Marc and to Gregg Gretzburg.

Marc scored again and the Wolves were up, 3 - 2. Assists went to Ricky and to, of all people, Evgeni Galyuk, the goalie.

The Oilers came back in the final minute to tie it, 3 - 3, but ten seconds later they drew a penalty for hooking. On the ensuing power play, with just 14 seconds left in the period, Dre took the puck deep into the zone, took two defenders with him and threaded the puck to an open Brandon for an easy score. The other assist went to Rick.

At the end of the first period, the score was Wolves 4, Oilers 3.

                                                                        III.

The second period was all lobos. Brandon scored another power-play goal seven minutes into the second, again on an assist from Dre, and the Wolves led, 5 - 3.

To some observers, the outcome was still in doubt.

But in the final two minutes of the second, all the gods of hockey were on the lupine side.   With 1:48 to go, Marc scored on passes from Ricky and Dre. It was now 6 - 3 in favor of the Wolves.

With 26 seconds to go, Dre tallied an unassisted goal. It was now 7 - 3 in favor of the Wolves.

With 14 seconds left in the second period, Gretzburg won a face-off back to the Playoff Sniper on the point. The Sniper wristed one on net, Brandon deflected it and Marc chipped in the rebound.

The score was now 8 - 3 in favor of the Wolves. And no one in the unusually large crowd thought the outcome was in doubt.

                                                                  IV.

To help put the game out of reach, Dre had five points in the first two periods. He then admitted to having throbbing pain in his iffy knee and he rested it for most of the third period.

So early in the third the Oilers scored two goals to make it 8 - 5, but Marc scored again at mid-period to ice it at 9 - 5. Assists went to Ricky and Geoff Born to Be Weil.

The Oilers added two goals in the final five minutes to suggest a tincture of respectability and the final score was Wolves 9, Oilers 7.

Third period highlights included Rick's game misconduct with two minutes left. He skated off the ice to cheers from his teammates. For those who are not counting, Rick played his best game of the year, scoring four assists. It was like 1987 again as he dominated shift after shift.

Head Oiler Punk #65 played his usual below-the-belt game. With two minutes left, he called the Sniper an "old man" and the Sniper blasted the punk. The punk would not fight back and both were given two-minute penalties. There was something refreshing about the trade-off, the Sniper taking one of their best guys off the ice at crunch time.

It was an oddly-reffed game, as 11 penalties were called on the lobos to only three for the Oilers.

Shane Arundel and Todd Thibodo did not join in the scoring, but each played tenacious defense throughout the evening. Todd looked like Islander Gary Howatt in his prime.

Scoring totals for the night were five goals for Marc, two for Dre and two for Brandon. Assists went to Rick (4), Dre (3), Brandon (2), the Weil Wolf (1), Marc (1), Gretzburg (1), Evgeni (1) and the Sniper (1).

In net, of course, former Long Beach Ice Dogs goalkeeper Evgeni Galyuk had yet another resplendent evening. In the first two periods, he made 23 saves on 26 shots. He had a total of 38 saves for the game.

Rink Director Sera, our own version of Gary Bettman, came on to the ice and presented the Wolves with the Championship Trophy. The Sniper held the trophy in the ensuing team Championship photo.

It was the second year in a row that the Wolves had won the Summer League Championship.

                                                                     V.

The scene at the Bar was sublime. It seemed like everyone was there, including Hockey Mom Extraordinaire Joyce Silverman. Proud mama of a five-goal scorer, Joyce picked up the tab for the first round of drinks.

The Founder of the Wolves, Coast-to-Coast Melnick, could not make it to the Bar but phoned the team with his congratulations. The team toasted all the absent players, singling out Joe, Kyle and Scott for special recognition.

At 1 a.m., Golden Joe IM'd from Dubai.   It was late morning his time and he was in the office with Bruno Brokeback himself. They both were thrilled with the news of the huge win.

Somewhere in the Arabian desert today there are Wolves celebrating.

                                                                      VI.

There will be a Team Banquet soon at a time and place to be figured out by GM Gretzburg. The following names will be inscribed on the Championship Trophy:

RICK ALLEN

SHANE ARUNDEL

TODD BOWMAN

EVGENI GALYUK

JOE GAROFALO

GREGG GINSBURG

BRANDON KRIKORIAN

KEVIN MATHEWS

PAUL MEDINA

ERIC PASSI

DANNY QUILICO

KYLE SHEAHEN

ROBERT SHEAHEN

SCOTT SHEAHEN

MARC SILVERMAN

BRETT STERLING

RAMIN TAHERI

TODD THIBODO

ANDREAS VLASSOPOULOS

GEOFF WEIL

Congratulations to the Winners -- the 2007 Championship Wolves.

Subject:

TORNADOES TOPPLE WOLVES, 11 - 9

Date:

Aug 15, 2007 12:52 AM

Despite a valiant effort by an undermanned Wolfpack, the Tornadoes came out on top tonight at Panorama, 11 - 9. The win clinches first place for the Blowjobs while the Wolves finish in third with a season record of seven wins and nine losses.

The Wolves open the Playoffs on Tuesday, August 21, at 10 p.m. against the Rouge.

Todd Bowman, playing in his final game for the lupine squad before leaving for Junior A in B.C., had his best game of the year. Bowman scored five goals and even added an assist.

Ramin Taheri had two goals while single goals were tallied by Born to Be Weil and Gregg Gretzburg. That is not a misprint. Gretzburg scored the third goal of the evening for the Wolves and he assisted on two others. (He missed a couple of open nets, but we are not here to be cruel.)

The Wolves played with only seven skaters. Bowman, Ramin, Gretz and the Weil Wolf were joined by Paul Medina, Brandon Krikorian and the Playoff Sniper. Paul and Brandon each had two assists.

Whistle Weil You Work and Ramin each had three assists.

Evgeni Galyuk, the leading goaltender in the league prior to tonight, was credited with 17 saves on 28 shots. He looked still rattled from being booted out of Burbank last week for having beer where his water bottle should have been.

The refs called seven penalties for the two teams, down from 22 last time around (different refs). Arguably lacking imagination, the refs called all seven penalties for hooking -- including two for Bowman and one for Gretz.

Playoffs begin next week and Evgeni has promised to be at the top of his game. Dre, Marc, Shane, Rick and KC might all be back. Joe, Kyle, Scotty, Bowman, Passi, Danny, Todd Thibodo, Brett Sterling and Nico Brokeback are not expected to play next week.

Subject:

REFS AMBUSH WOLVES, GIVE WIN TO TORNADOES

Date:

Jul 11, 2007 12:58 PM

In a "game" marked by 22 preposterous penalty calls, the Tornadoes beat the Wolves last night, 5 - 3, in Division One play at Panorama.

The score was 4 - 3 with less than three minutes left in the game and the Wolves were on the prowl. Somehow, the refs decided they had to take over to make sure the Blowjobs would win. They called SEVEN penalties against the Wolves in the final three minutes.

With a perpetual two-man advantage, the Tornadoes easily scored their fifth goal to insure the loss for the Wolves. For what it's worth, Dre, Scotty and Joe were in the penalty box at the time of the final goal. The calls against them were absurd.

The names of the "referees" are Matt Easter and Jeff Obarski. We think Matt is the primary culprit, because Jeff has been minimally competent in the past. We will complain to the league about both of them.

The sadness of course is the inability of the rink to provide refs with IQs over 60 took away from what could have been a really good hockey game. The Tornadoes are a formidable team this summer and they do not need the refs on their payroll to be competitive.

For the Wolves, Evgeni Galyuk played a strong game in net, with an official save count of 29. Dre Vlassopoulos, Danny Quilico and Kyle Sheahen each scored goals for the lupine squad. Official assists went to Eric Passi and Todd Bowman on Danny's goal, Rick Allen and the Weil Wolf on Dre's goal, and Marc Silverman and the Playoff Sniper on Kyle's goal.

The Gretzburg Line did not score any goals but Gretzburg himself came out with a swollen lip that distended his face so badly he looked like an intermarryer from the Hapsburg Dynasty. Despite drawing blood from Gretz, the offending Blowjob got no penalty because the refs "didn't see it."

Another sadness is this loss was probably Golden Joe Garofalo's last game for the summer season. He leaves for Europe on Sunday and will most likely be delayed in Dubai indefinitely. Let us hope he's back for Winter Season.

The loss also messed up the birthday celebration for Marc's girlfriend. Happy Birthday, Lisa.

Subject:

ROUGE DISCOLORS WOLVES, 5 - 3

Date:

Jul 18, 2007 9:41 AM

In a hard-fought battle against the Rouge at Panorama last night, the undermanned Wolves went down to defeat, 5 - 3.

It was only a week ago the Wolves had 15 skaters. Last night, the lobos started with nine and were quickly down to eight when Marc Silverman got a game misconduct for protesting some truly bogus calls.

The great eight put up a valiant fight, overcoming a 4 - 0 deficit, to make the game close. Todd Bowman, Eric Passi and Ramin Taheri scored goals for the lupine squad, with assists going to Shane Arundel, K.C. Mathews, Ramin and Gregg Gretzburg.

Most of the credit must go to Evgeni (Eugene) Galyuk in net.   He was peppered by 37 shots and made many NHL-quality saves.   As good as his game was for two periods, it got better after one of his defensemen ran into him in the crease.  Evgeni was so incensed that he played a flawless third period, turning away 13 shots.

(The defenseman in question shall remain nameless, but his initials are the Playoff Sniper.)

Absent from the scoresheet but vital to the defensive effort was winger Kyle Sheahen. If all the Wolves could backcheck like Kyle, the team would never lose. Using his all-world goalie skills, Kyle even made a sprawling, butterfly save to avert an otherwise certain goal.

Those unable to make it to the rink included Golden Joe Garofalo, now gone for the season to the Old World. Scotty was in Houston with his wonderful girlfriend, Allison. Dre and Danny are at a Colorado College training camp or something, and MLB man Rick was off scouting prospects for the Pirates.   The Weil Wolf simply could not get away from work and called nine times to apologize.

Regrettably, the Wolves are now fighting the Stingers for third place, and the Playoffs begin in less than one month. If the gods of the forest so will, most of the Wolves will be back and ready for the kill.

We normally do not publish statistics, but these are the official league stats through last week of the five leading scorers for the Wolves:

Player                                          Goals              Assists          Points                    PIM

Joe Garofalo                                  18                   16                      34                         2

Eric Passi                                        15                    11                      26                        10

Marc Silverman                             8                     10                     18                         12

Dan Quilico                                     8                       6                      14                         6

Todd Bowman                                5                       8                      13                        14

All the other Wolves had ten points or less at the time the league prepared the statistics.   The Playoff Sniper has five points and is ahead only of Brett Sterling who has four for the season.

Subject:

WOLVES INSPISSATE OILERS, 10 - 4

Date:

Aug 1, 2007 9:56 AM

Last night in Division One play at Panorama, the Wolves took the Oilers to the woodshed, 10 - 4.

It was never close. The chippy punk Oilers were never in the game.   The Wolves took a 3 - 0 first period lead on goals by Ramin Taheri, Eric Passi and Scott Sheahen, and the Oilers rarely got out of their own zone.

Ramin added two more goals for his first Hat Trick as a Wolf, Kyle Sheahen scored two goals and Marc Silverman notched two scores. The final goal -- adding insult to injury -- was scored by Todd Bowman with 22 seconds left in the game.

The punk Oilers deserved it. They spent much of the game talking trash. But when Kyle tried to get Head Punk Defterderian (#65) to go, the punk backed down. Later, the Playoff Sniper gave some trash talk back to Defterderian (something about removing the cock from his mouth so he could think more clearly), and the Sniper then skated up to the punk and gave him a face wash. Once more, the punk backed down.

This is the same team of punks that beat the Wolves a month ago and laughed about it. Payback is so sweet.

Assists for the evening went to Gregg Gretzburg (3), the Weil Wolf (2), Brandon Krikorian (2), Paul Medina (2), Eric (2), Marc (2), Scotty (1) and Bowman (1). It was Brandon's first game since being called up to what passes for the Bigs, and it was Paul's first game in memory (memory not being the long suit of this writer).

Much credit must go to Goalie Evgeni (Eugene) Galyuk, who not only stood on his head to make a number of his 25 saves, but also sat on top of his net to embarrass the Oilers. This is literal.   He actually sat on top of the net during play so as to taunt the Oilers. Again, in another context, this might evince a low level of sportsmanship. Against the Punk Oilers, it was perfectly appropriate.

By the end of the night, the Oilers had stopped laughing.

The win insures the Wolves will finish in third place for the season. There is one more game before the Playoffs.

Subject:

WOLVES BEFOUL BUILDING, LOSE TO LAST-PLACE OILERS

Date:

Jun 27, 2007 1:28 AM

What a miserable night for the Wolves. It was the worst mass suicide since 1978 in Jonestown.

In a virtual must-win game, the lobos went down, 4 - 3, to the effing last-place Oilers. It was so bad all we could think of was Tennyson:

"Forward the Light Brigade

Was there a man dismayed

Not though the soldier knew,

Someone had blundered;

Theirs not to make reply

Theirs not to reason why

Theirs but to do and die --

Into the Valley of Death

Rode the six hundred."

Who, you might ask, was the "someone" who "had blundered?" Was it our goalie, Eugene, who called to say his car was stalled 60 miles away and we had to get an emergency replacement. Was it Geoff Weil who somehow broke his year-old skates and had to wear rentals made from dogcotton? Perhaps it was Scotty whose legendary slapshot was reduced to spaghetti because Putzburg broke Scotty's good stick. Or possibly Ramin who left the game for an unexplained 20-minute foray into the men's room.

It was not our night. The Valley of Death was manned by a three-headed goalie for the Oilers who made at least 50 saves. (The official shot count was 35 but Gil the Scorekeeper, no offense, is a retard.)

The Wolves spent entire periods in the Oiler zone without scoring. The Wolves went several shifts in the Oiler zone without shooting.

For what it's worth, Steve Jakiel, back from a year on the varsity at Michigan, played creditably in net after a shaky start. Joe Garofalo, Eric Passi and Ramin all scored lupine goals, while assists went to Joe, Eric, K.C., Gretzburg and the Playoff Sniper.

Adding to the "blundered" issue, the Sniper got two assists -- including one at a time when he has no memory of being on the ice.

It was a debacle. It was a horror. It was embarrassing. These punks were in last place and they won. The Wolves must now win almost every game to have a chance of finishing first for the season.

Oh, in case anyone forgets, number 65 for the Oilers is a fine young man named Aram Defterderian. He had two assists tonight and he likes to taunt the opposition by slashing them and blowing kisses at them. That is NUMBER SIXTY-FIVE. We play the Oilers again on Tuesday, July 31.

There is no game on July 3. The next Division One game at Panorama is on Tuesday, July 10, against the Tornadoes.

Ours not to reason why; ours but to do and die.

Despite a three-goal Hat Trick by newly-returned Kyle Sheahen, the Wolves could not outlast the Rouge tonight and lost a heartbreaker at Panorama, 8 - 6.

The Rougebags got off to an early lead and were on top 6 - 3 going into the third period. Kyle scored a quick one, assisted by Joe Garofalo, to make it 6 -4. The Rouge answered and pulled ahead, 7 - 4.

But, again on assists from Joe, Kyle and Danny Quilico scored to tighten the score at 7 - 6 with two minutes to play. Eugene went to the bench in favor of an extra skater, but it was not to be. The Rougebags got a fluky

empty-net goal and went home with an 8 - 6 victory.

For the evening, Golden Joe led all scorers with five points on five assists. Kyle had three goals, Danny had two and Eric Passi tallied the remaining score. Danny added one assist.

Jocelyn Langlois had a goal and three assists for the winners. The Rouge had 30 shots on Eugene, the Wolves had 27 shots on the other guy.

Keeping the shot count under control were lupine defensemen Scott Sheahen, K.C. Mathews, the Playoff Sniper and Geoff Get It Weil You Can. Gretzburg played a strong two-way game from the rotator spot.

Shane Arundel played his heart out until his shoulder went out and he had to leave the game.  Whistle Weil You Work lost his cookies on the bench and missed several shifts. Dre, Marc, Ramin and Rick could not make it due, inter alia, to injuries and school commitments. Nico is still lost in the Arabian desert.

The loss is a major setback to the Wolves' title hopes, dropping the team to a season record of 4 wins and 5 losses.

Next week in Division One play, the Wolves take on the Stingers at 8:30 p.m. on Tuesday, June 19, at the Panorama ice arena.

Subject:

WOLVES COUNTERACT STINGERS, 9 - 2

Date:

Jun 20, 2007 1:32 AM

Despite a three-goal Hat Trick by newly-returned Kyle Sheahen, the Wolves could not outlast the Rouge tonight and lost a heartbreaker at Panorama, 8 - 6.

The Rougebags got off to an early lead and were on top 6 - 3 going into the third period. Kyle scored a quick one, assisted by Joe Garofalo, to make it 6 -4. The Rouge answered and pulled ahead, 7 - 4.

But, again on assists from Joe, Kyle and Danny Quilico scored to tighten the score at 7 - 6 with two minutes to play. Eugene went to the bench in favor of an extra skater, but it was not to be. The Rougebags got a fluky

empty-net goal and went home with an 8 - 6 victory.

For the evening, Golden Joe led all scorers with five points on five assists. Kyle had three goals, Danny had two and Eric Passi tallied the remaining score. Danny added one assist.

Jocelyn Langlois had a goal and three assists for the winners. The Rouge had 30 shots on Eugene, the Wolves had 27 shots on the other guy.

Keeping the shot count under control were lupine defensemen Scott Sheahen, K.C. Mathews, the Playoff Sniper and Geoff Get It Weil You Can. Gretzburg played a strong two-way game from the rotator spot.

Shane Arundel played his heart out until his shoulder went out and he had to leave the game.  Whistle Weil You Work lost his cookies on the bench and missed several shifts. Dre, Marc, Ramin and Rick could not make it due, inter alia, to injuries and school commitments. Nico is still lost in the Arabian desert.

The loss is a major setback to the Wolves' title hopes, dropping the team to a season record of 4 wins and 5 losses.

Next week in Division One play, the Wolves take on the Stingers at 8:30 p.m. on Tuesday, June 19, at the Panorama ice arena.

Subject:

WOLVES TORPEDO TORNADOES, 5 - 4

Date:

Jun 6, 2007 1:46 AM

In a near-epic battle at Panorama tonight, the Division One Wolves finally quelled the first-place Tornadoes, 5 - 4.

The win pulls the lupine squad to .500 for the season and puts them just three points out of first.

Led by three goals from Golden Joe Garofalo, the Wolves played a strong two-way game and outshot the Blowjobs, 35 - 26.

Danny Quilico chipped in the other two goals, while assists went to Dre Vlassopoulos (3), Rick Allen (2), Ramin Taheri (1) and Gregg Gretzburg (1).

This was the second game in a row that Gretzburg did something worth putting on the scoresheet.

As always, the Tornadoes did not blow. They sucked. They are the team of jerks that likes to laugh at their opponents. Tonight the Blowjobs are not laughing. They got outplayed from start to finish.

Eugene took the net midway through the first period and, after a shaky start, settled down to make some great saves to keep the Wolves in the game. Scotty, Eric, the Weil Stallion and the Playoff Sniper played strong defense to keep the shot count manageable.

Todd Bowman showed he might be a true Wolf someday when he and Ramin went after one of the Tornadoes. Their fight carried over into the penalty box where the Tornado dude was complaining he broke his finger and would not be able to work the next day. Todd yelled, "You don't need a finger to give blowjobs at a bathhouse."

K.C., Marc, Shane and Kyle should all be back next week as the Wolves take on the Rouge at 10 p.m. on Tuesday, June 12, at 10 p.m. -- and, God willing, the Stanley Cup will be brought home to Southern California in time for the next Wolves' game.

Subject:

WOLVES CORRODE OILERS, 12 - 1

Date:

May 23, 2007 1:54 AM

For the second game in a row, the Wolves had the luxury of three lines and for the second game in a row, the Wolves destroyed the opposition. The final score at Panorama tonight was 12 - 1 in favor of the lupine squad.

The Oilers never saw it coming. Back for the first time in two years was Brother Wolf Dre Vlassopoulos. He brought a ringer named Danny with him and at last count Danny had an eight-point evening.

We regrettably do not have a scoresheet, so the rest of it is guesswork. Scotty had a goal and three or four assists on defense, and Shane had a beautiful goal -- despite a throbbing shoulder injury. Dre, backed by Marc and Joe, scored a couple of goals with Gasseau-style low-shot accuracy.

The Homeless Homo played a strong game on defense, paired again with K.C. Mathews. (Note to readers: The "Homeless Homo" is not a real name; it is a nickname for Geoff Weil. Other nicknames for Geoff include "The Weil Stallion" and "Born to Be Weil.")

As the game neared its end, the Playoff Sniper tried to take on some punk wearing #65 but the referees sent both Sniper and Punk to the box before anything could happen. The punk had repeatedly slashed Scotty and was talking trash throughout the game.

Eugene was kind enough to come early in the second period to play goal for the Wolves. He had a shutout for the time he was in net.

The scene at the Bar was wonderful.   Everyone from Coast-to-Coast to Alex Vlassopoulos was there to celebrate the huge win.   Gretzburg was last heard to kvetch about getting stuck with too much of the check, but the entire team is grateful to him.

Subject:

PANORAMA WOLVES QUELL STINGERS, 9 - 7

Date:

May 16, 2007 1:52 AM

After pausing for a moment of silence to honor the fallen Rev. Jerry Falwell, the newly-invigorated Division One Wolves overcame a 5 - 2 second period deficit to subdue the Stingers tonight by a final score of 9 - 7.

For once the team was at full strength as all three lupine lines shared in the scoring.

The Gretzburg Line led with four goals, including two by Bowman and two by a ringer named Ramin. Gretzburg himself did not score but he played a strong two-way game.

Joe Garofalo tallied three goals assisted by linemates Marc Silverman (2) and a newly-returned Kyle Sheahen (1). (Miracle Marc's shooting was less than miraculous -- he somehow hit pads and posts all night.)

Minnesota's own Shane Arundel scored one goal and had one assist, while Eric Passi and Rick Allen each had an assist.

On defense, Scott Sheahen took playmaker honors with one goal and two assists in his first game back after his freshman year at Quinnipiac U. in Connecticut.

K.C. Mathews added a big goal, while the Homeless Homo got two assists. The Playoff Sniper made the scoresheet only when he got two minutes for tripping. The Wolves, by the way, took too many penalties tonight.

The Homo, it should be noted, played a respectable game in his first try at a very difficult position tonight. It is not easy to play D - I defense. Just ask the oft-torched Homo.

Tonight also marked the inaugural appearance of Eugene Galyuk in net. Eugene played a solid game, making 28 saves and giving up two meaningless goals in the last two minutes as a perplexed Weil Stallion looked on.

To Eugene's credit, he brought a bevy of beauties to the Bar.

Subject:

WOLVES DRY UP OILERS, 11 - 5

Date:

Apr 18, 2007 1:22 AM

After an 0 - 2 start to the season, the Division One Wolves are back with a convincing 11 - 5 win tonight at Panorama over a very young Oilers' team.

In last week's 10 - 8 loss to the Stingers, Joltin' Joe Garofalo scored six goals. Tonight it was Electric Eric Passi who got the double hat trick.

Marc Silverman added two goals while Joe tallied one tonight. Playing in their first game back with the lupine squad, Rick Allen netted one goal while Todd Bowman also scored one.

(In fairness to Bowman, we thought he scored two goals, but the scoresheet says Eric scored the second Bowman goal.)

Playing on a line with six-goal Eric, the Hat Trick Homo had one assist for the evening. Other assists went to Bowman (5), Marc (2), Gretzburg (2), Rick (2), Khris Keen (2), Joe (1), Eric (1) and the Playoff Sniper (1).

In net for the Wolves, Brian Iles played his strongest game in months, making 22 saves. Brian was generous enough to credit K.C., Bowman, Gretz and the Sniper for keeping the shot count relatively low.

The other team had a lot of youth and skill, but, as we all know, old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time

Black Wolves Win Championship

It was 33 years or so ago when the Wolves played their inaugural game at the Van Nuys rink. Howard was still alive, Tommy had not yet had his umpteenth knee surgery and Coast-to-Coast Melnick still could go coast-to-coast.

There were Harry and Olly and a hottie named Carol -- and Smithlin's father was playing in 1974.

Last night, in this year's Championship Game, the Wolves fell behind in the first period, 4 - 1. Suddenly, all the old ghosts came out of the rafters, hopped on a rusty zamboni and drove the Wolves to a stunning comeback victory.

It was fitting that the third lupine goal was scored by Tom Courtney, now in his fourth decade as a Wolf.

Other goals were scored by Sean Fuchs (2), Marc Silverman (2), the Hat Trick Homo (1), and, we think, Danny Romandi (1) and Sean Marin (1).

Perhaps the biggest goal of the night was the final tally -- by the most tenacious, most inspirational player on the team -- Glenn Unger. Glenn came into the zone, reached the bottom of the circle and blasted the ninth goal of the night past a beleaguered Judge Marcus. It put the Wolves up, 9 - 6, and cemented the Championship win.

On defense, the Playoff Sniper played for the Money all night, with an open-ice hit on their top guy and at least three steals from the same guy. Rex Moore and Danny Romandi closed the door time after time on attempts to break into the Wolf lair.

In net, it was the Rhyme of the Ancient Adamek as Chuck made symphonic saves early in the third period to preserve a then-precarious lead.

To his credit, an injured Scott I.H. Spindel arrived to cheer the team on. When he got there, the Wolves were down, 4 - 1. When he left, the Wolves had won, 9 - 7, and were hoisting the Cup.

Black Diamond Dan said he assisted on all nine goals but this could not be verified on the scoresheet.

Prior to the win, it had indeed been the winter of our discontent. The Wolves were defending Champions in Division One at Panorama and Division Two at Burbank.

Last week at Panorama, the Third World reject goalie did not show up and the Wolves went down to a ridiculous defeat -- out of the playoffs in the first round. On Sunday, at Burbank, the Wolves were simply outgunned and lost in the first round of the playoffs, 11 - 8. It did not help that the Hot-Tempered Homo was tossed out in the first period for fighting. To his credit, he was defending the honor of a Brother Wolf.

Nevertheless, at least for the Melnick League, the Wolves last night could go to the Bar, push "priority play" on the jukebox and hear "We Are the Champions."

For today, life does not suck

Subject:	BLACK WOLVES WIN SHOOT-OUT
Date:	Mar 13, 2007 3:09 AM

In a Game for the generations, the Black Wolves toppled the White Russians tonight by a final score of 6 - 5.

Because the White team scored with less than a minute left to tie the contest, the teams had to go to a shoot-out.

It was Chuck Adamek in net for Black and Judge Marcus in goal for White.

The first Black skater was Erik Passi. Judge Marcus stopped him cold.

The White guy came in and deked Chuck, but Chuck would not respond to the deke -- and made a glorious save.

Then it was Marc Silverman's turn for Black. Like an NHLer, he went far right and turned in on the beleaguered Judge. Marc faked one shot, then put the puck right past His Honor.

Black 1, White 0.

The White guy came in on Chuck. Everybody in the building expected an easy goal. No! Chuck made the save!

The Homeless Homo then shot for Black for the gamewinner. He missed. Judge Marcus came up big.

Then the White's best shooter came in for the tie. On the bench, the Wolves were choosing their next shooter. It was a foregone conclusion that he would beat broken-down old Chuck.

Chuck came out of the net, prayed to a number of gods -- and made the Save!

The Black Wolves won the shoot-out. The teams will play again on Wednesday night in Game Two of the best of three playoff series.

Lest he be forgotten, Danny Romandi scored two goals on defense for the Black team.

A ticker-tape parade is being planned to honor Chuck the Money Goalie

Subject:	BLACK WOLVES LOSE AT VAN NUYS
Date:	Mar 1, 2007 12:34 AM

In Melnick Division action tonight at Van Nuys, Tom Courtney celebrated his birthday by scoring two goals, but it was not enough as the Black Wolves went down to defeat at the hands of the Thibodo Wolves, 10 - 6.

After the game, Tom said it's great to score two goals any night, but especially on his birthday. At 63, Tom is believed to be the oldest person in North America still alive.

Picking up the assist on Tommy's first goal was none other than his longtime linemate, Coast-to-Coast Melnick. Black Diamond Dan also added a goal of his own and another assist to finish with a three-point evening.

The downside for the Black team came at the start of the game when the Zamboni driver absconded with the rink's pylon. Without a pylon to put in front of the net, the team was forced to use a goalie who shall remain nameless. Suffice it to say, somewhat regrettably, the goalie lost a couple of shots in the lights.

Todd Thibodo played his chemotherapeutical best and scored at least one goal for the winners. It was his answer to the crowd taunting him with chants of "solipsistic sack of shit."

Each team observed a moment of silence for fallen comrade, Scott I.H. Spindel, who may be out for months due to surgery. He is filling his downtime, we are told, by sending out saccharine emails about the sixties -- but with immigrant-bashing undercurrents.

Glenn Unger, fresh from spending his Academy Awards evening as Jon Voight's date, regaled his teammates by gushing about how wonderful it was to meet Oprah Winfrey at the Vanity Fair party. Glenn and Jon finished the evening, we are told, at the sunrise champagne bash at Bruno's Bath House in West Hollywood

Subject:	ROUGEBAGS CORRAL WOLVES, 11 - 6
Date:	Feb 7, 2007 12:47 AM

In Amadeus, Emperor Joseph II tells Mozart his music is wonderful but "there are simply too many notes."

Tonight, in Panorama Division One play, there were simply too many Wolves. A disorganized lupine squad went down to an 11 - 6 loss to the Rouge -- after the Wolves had blackened the Rouge, 11 - 1, just three weeks ago.

Some would probably argue two weeks before the playoffs is not the time to be trying out new players. But, for reasons still not clear to anyone, there were at least three new players who dressed for the Wolves tonight.

There were so many guys Captain Dan went home and the Playoff Sniper severely cut back his own ice time.

Lost in the fog was a solid game by Marc Silverman, who tallied one goal and three assists. Joe Garofalo, after a week in NYC, scored two goals. Paul Medina, who will get a jersey soon, skated with Marc and Joe and scored one goal.

The Hat Trick Homo got one goal and an assist, while one of the ringers -- a Russian named Victor -- scored the sixth and final goal for the Wolves.

According to Gil the Scorekeeper, the shot count was Rougebags 39, Wolves 37. If he is anywhere near correct, our goalie has some 'splainin to do.

The Defending Champion Wolves are perilously close to tumbling to the fourth and final playoff spot. Next week's game -- also against the Rougebags -- is a must win.

We probably should mention one bright spot. Dave Glover was still beaming over being featured in Kyle's recent column about Beer Leagues in the Cornell Sun -- something about the joy of mixing beer and hockey.

Subject:	WOLVES SHOT DOWN, 13 - 9
Date:	Jan 24, 2007 12:52 AM

In tonight's Division One action at Panorama, an undermanned Wolfpack ran out of gas and wound up on the short end of a 13 - 9 count to the Tornadoes.

There are no details of the game. The Playoff Sniper checked a Tornado forward to the ice in the first period, but the Sniper got hit by the dude's facemask. There was a lot of blood and Joe's mom made Gretzburg take the Sniper to the ER. The Sniper got four stitches over each eye and should be back by next week.

The Wolves were left with only eight skaters. Although the score was tied, 5 - 5, at one point, the Tornadoes outlasted the Wolves for the win.

We have no scoresheet.

Subject:	BURBANK WOLVES WIN, 8 - 5
Date:	Jan 22, 2007 2:04 PM

In Division Two play at Burbank on Thursday, January 18, 2007, the Wolves easily turned back the Visitors by a final score of 8 - 5.

The Hat Trick Homo (formerly known as Born to Be Weil) lived up to his billing and again scored three goals. As is not uncommon, he had only one assist.

Marc Silverman also scored a hat trick, and had the decency to assist on three other goals.

Scotty Sheahen, shaking off his freshman 15 from Quinnipiac, had a big night on defense -- scoring two goals and two assists.

The always ingenious Joe Garofalo tallied five assists while Timo Passi and Alex Yudkevich had one each.

On Saturday, January 20, it was Luc Robitaille Night at Staples, and Scotty, Gretzburg, Sean Fuchs and the Playoff Sniper were at the game, trying to devise ways to recruit Luc for the Wolves. A very overweight Jari Kurri flew in from Finland to honor Luc. Larry Robinson, Wayne Gretzky and Butch Goring came to the event, but they did not express any interest in playing for the Wolves.

Subject:	WOLVES DISCOLOR ROUGE, 11 - 1
Date:	Jan 17, 2007 3:41 AM

In the biggest blowout of the season, the Wolves buried the Rouge tonight, 11 - 1, in Division One beer league action at Panorama.

Mike Oke had a sensational night in the nets, turning away 25 of 26 shots. Rick Allen was back from the DL and scored two goals and an assist.

The Hat Trick Homo lived up to his name with three goals and three assists. His father, the Nazi Fokker, was in the stands for the first time in five years.

Joe Schultz scored a Chicago classic goal -- hard work, grit, grind and garbage.

Scotty Sheahen put a beauty past the beleaguered Rougebag goalie for his first goal of the Christmas vacation.

Paul Medina netted two scores while Marc Silverman and Taka Tatematsu chipped in one each.

Additional assists went to Marc Silverman (3), Joe Garofalo (2), Scott Sheahen (2), Taka Tatematsu (2), Joe Schultz (1) and the Playoff Sniper (1).

Dave Glover and Coast-to-Coast played strong defensive games.

(Not suited up were Kyle Sheahen, Gregg Gretzburg, K.C. Mathews, Todd Thibodo and Bruno Brokeback; Bruno is believed to be lost in Bangkok.)

In fairness to the Rouge, they were outmanned and were playing without Jocelyn Langlois and some of their other guns. Yet the Wolves played possibly their best game of the season and can rightfully bask in the glow of a nearly flawless performance by everyone on the team.

Subject:

STINGERS NEEDLE WOLVES, 12 - 11

Date:

Jan 10, 2007 5:10 AM

In a heartbreaker at Panorama tonight, the Stingers held on for a 12 - 11 win over the Division One Wolves.

Wasted by the loss was a career night at forward for former All-World goalie Kyle Sheahen. Kyle scored five goals but it was not the Wolfpack's night.

One obstacle was Stinger Ringer Peter Torsson. Torsson, playing in his first Beer League game, scored six goals and four assists for the winners. Torsson had formerly played for St. Cloud State in Minnesota and for the Swedish National Team.

Kyle scored 11 seconds into the game, but the Stingers came back with three goals. Kyle scored again and Joe Schultz chipped one in to make it 3 - 3 after the first.

In the second period, the Wolves tallied four goals -- two by Kyle, one by Erik Passi and one classic shorthander by Joe Garofalo. The Wolves led 7 - 6 after two periods.

In the third period, Marc Silverman scored two goals for the Wolves and midway through the period the score was 9 - 9. But Torsson added two late goals and assisted on another. Even though Taka Tatematsu and Kyle scored for the lupine squad, the Wolves came up just short at 12 - 11.

The Wolves play the Rougebags next Tuesday. Rick Allen is finally expected to come off the DL and the team hopes for an early return of Bruno Brokeback, last seen in Dubai, U.A.E.

Kyle is going back to school this week. Scott Sheahen will play one more game until he has to return to college in the east.

Subject:	Stingers Beat Wolves
Date:	Dec 12, 2006 11:59 PM

Wolves lose, 6 - 5. Life sucks

Subject:	WOLVES LOSE AT PANORAMA
Date:	Dec 6, 2006 12:27 AM

It was almost a legendary comeback for the Wolves.

After an abysmal first period, the Wolves were down, 7 - 1, to the Tornadoes tonight at Panorama.

But the Wolfpack scratched and clawed back and almost did the impossible. The Wolves were within two goals at the end, but wound up on the short side of a (cough) 14 - 11 score.

The Wolves totaled 42 shots on goal, while the Blowjobs got 43. Because Captain Dan was not there to stop it, the Wolves pulled their goalie in the last minute to give the team a 6 on 4 advantage. Not only did the Wolves not score, but the Tornadoes got the empty-netter.

The Game Puck went to the Hat Trick Homo, formerly known as Geoff Weil. Geoff had three goals and two assists. More importantly, his energy helped keep the team in the game when things looked a tad bleak.

Rookie Paul Medina is coming into his own, notching one goal and three assists tonight. Nico Brokeback had four goals and two assists, while Joe Garofalo had three assists.

On defense, Taka Tatematsu scored two critical goals at the end to keep the outcome in doubt. K.C. Mathews, Dave Glover and the Playoff Sniper turned in strong performances but did not register on the score sheet. Mike Oke was in net.

Marc Silverman had one goal and two assists, while Joe Schultz had one assist.

All in all, however, the game sucked. The bounces went to the Blowjobs. For the Wolves to score 11 goals and lose is a nightmare

Subject:	WOLVES TIE DROOGS, 9 - 9
Date:	Nov 20, 2006 1:09 AM

A tie is a terrible result.

But if it were not, the Wolves could take some credit for coming back from a four-goal deficit to tie the scumbag Droogs in Division Two play at Burbank tonight.

The defending champion Wolves are finally getting untracked at Burbank and should now be able to put together some consistent wins. The Droogs, of course, are in first place and are really a D - I team. So a tie is not a total disaster for the Wolves.

There is no scoresheet so we have no idea who scored. Scotty scored from the point, Geoff scored from up close and Nico, Joe and Marc put in their usual bundle of goals. We're sorry we don't remember anything else.

Coast-to-Coast, Tom Hanson, Timo Passi, the Playoff Sniper, Scotty, Born to be Weil, Todd, Joe and a still-DL'd Gretzburg went to the Bar. Todd hugged Gretzburg before he went home.

Subject:	TORNADOES TOPPLE WOLVES, 7 - 6
Date:	Nov 15, 2006 1:53 AM

Despite a valiant effort by a depleted Wolfpack, the Tornadoes came from behind tonight at Panorama and beat the Wolves by a final score of 7 - 6.

It was a seesaw battle for most of the night. The Tornadoes got on the board 14 seconds into the game, but the Wolves came back less than a minute later on a goal by Nico Rodriguez assisted by Marc Silverman.

Seven minutes into the game, Born to Be Weil got into his first real fight. He actually did some serious buttkicking on a nimrod named Monette. After Geoff got booted out of the game and got a match penalty -- possibly for pulling the guy's facemask -- he later returned to the bench in his street clothes and said, "Now you can stop calling me the Homeless Homo."

It was a real fight, Geoff won it and the Wolves are all proud of the ex-Homo.

After the first period, it was Wolves 4, Tornadoes 2. The Blowjobs added a goal in the second to close the gap at 4 to 3.

In the third period, Marc scored again to make it 5 to 3, but the Tornadoes then got four unanswered goals to take a 7 - 5 lead. Marc scored his third goal of the evening with 3 1/2 minutes to play, and the score was 7 - 6 in favor of the Blowjobs.

With a minute left, the Wolves had a two-man advantage. When the lupine goalie came to the bench, the Wolves had a 6 on 3 advantage. Despite a flurry of shots, the Wolves could not score the tying goal.

Nico and Marc each scored hat tricks. Assists went to Taka Tatematsu (2), Joe Garofalo (2), Nico (1), Marc (1), Todd Thibodo (1), K.C. Mathews (1) and Paul Medina (1).

The lone Wolf not to score was the Playoff Sniper. In fairness to the Sniper, he made three excellent defensive plays -- stopping some smiling butthead twice and making a one-handed grab of a slapshot to prevent a goal. The Sniper, regrettably, refractured his left hand on the slapshot play, but still finished the game.

Paul Medina, Marc's friend, played a solid game and will be invited back. Brian Iles was again in net for the Wolves. He was credited with 17 saves on 24 shots. The Blowjob Keeper had 21 saves on 27 shots.

The next game for the Wolves -- now with four wins and five losses -- will be against the Stingers on Tuesday, November 21 at 10 p.m. Scott Sheahen will be in the lineup for the first time since the Championship Game. Rick Allen is expected back from the DL any day now. Gretzburg is out indefinitely.

Subject:	WOLVES SCORE IN FINAL SECOND TO BEAT ROUGEBAGS
Date:	Nov 8, 2006 1:31 AM

In an epic battle at Panorama tonight, the Wolves beat the Rougebags, 8 - 7, on a literal last-second goal by Defenseman K.C. Mathews.

The Rougebags had been ahead most of the game and led 7 - 6 as the clock ticked down to two minutes to play. But the Wolves were hungry for a win and Nico Rodriguez could smell money. With 1:29 remaining, Nico counted the cash on a pass from Joe Garofalo.

Then it was truly Money Time. With one second (that is not a misprint) -- one second -- left on the clock, big K.C. swooped in from the point and slammed in the gamewinning goal. Assists on the gamewinner went to Nico and Marc Silverman.

For the game, Nico had one goal and five assists, while Joe had two goals and three assists. Marc scored two strong goals while Born to Be Weil and Todd Thibodo chipped in one goal each.

K.C. added two assists, while Taka Tatematsu had one. The Playoff Sniper, back from an unavoidable hiatus, made the scoresheet only on a bogus third period penalty for "roughing" when one of the Rougebags fell down in front of the Wolves' net. Marc and Taka also picked up bogus penalties.

The team went to the Bar, where, to plenary adulation from the younger Wolves, Todd and the Sniper split the check. Gregg Gretzburg, still on injured reserve, came to the game, but did not make it to the Bar.

In other news, the Democrats took control of the House today and will probably take control of the Senate once the results from Virginia and Montana are finalized.

Subject:

Re: WOLVES BURBANK LOSE A CLOSE ONE

Date:

Oct 16, 2006 7:24 PM

By: Kari Passi

Never forget the man or some like to say the legend of hockey which

                           was
                                    wittnessed

                          
                                    by the 5 spectators in the stand and the two teams that roughed it out on the ice...

                          
                                    The legend which of course is Dan "The Tank" Melnick showed off that although

                           he
                                    may look a little older then others was able to preform the skill of a skilled

                          
                                    20 year old kid by being able to score top shelf by going  "COAST TO COAST"...

                          
                                    And for the few who dont know the saying... Melnicks "Coast to Coast"

                           effort
                                    showed the future younger generations that anything is possible... After

                           years
                                    and years of playing with Melnick he still manages to skate circles around

                          
                                    anyone who he wishes to... And the few who challenged to stand up with him head

                           to
                                    head Forest Lawn Cementary isn't too far...

                           Better
                                    Look Out  When The Tank Come Rolling In!!!!!

                          
                                    E./K. Passi

Subject:

BIGGEST LOSS IN DIV 1 WOLVES HISTORY!

Date:

Oct 13, 2006 3:59 PM

By: Dan Melnick

13 to 4 was the score Tuesday night at the end of the game between

                          
                                    the Wolves and

                          
                                    the Rouges. The Wolves had a short bench of 7 players joined by an eigth, Joe Schultz,

                          
                                    in the second period.  At the end of the first period it was

                           3-2
                                    game but by the end of the second it was 7 to 3 and not looking good. In the

                          
                                    third period the Rouges scored 5 unanswered goals and the Wolves with a short bench

                          
                                    were simply unable to rally.

                           Notably,
                                    this was the second time this week that the Wolves were both short handed

                          
                                    and not victorious. Perhaps there's a message there for those players who commit

                          
                                    and don't show!

Subject:

WOLVES BURBANK LOSE A CLOSE ONE

Date:

Oct 13, 2006 2:56 PM

By: Dan Melnick

Last Sunday the Boys in Black lost to the Canadians at Pickwick by one goal. With only 8 skaters (2 of

                          
                                    them borrowed form the preceeding game) and a lot of fortitude,

                          
                                    Garafalo, Weil, Silverman, Hansen, Thibodo, E. Passi, K. Passi and Melnick managed

                          
                                    to stay in the game until 3:50 in the third period when Max "the Guy in
                                    The

                           Blue
                                    Helmet" scored his 5th goal of the game.

                           Garafalo and Weil each put the bisket in the basket twice for the Wolves as well

                          
                                    as guest player Eric Passi who also managed to put two in. Silverman poped one in

                          
                                    bringing the total to 7. The Canadians are a good team and it was a fast, clean

                           game.
                                    However, there is little doubt that the outcome would have been different

                           if
                                    the Wolves had a full compliment of players.

                           In
                                    order to avoid this problem in the future, the back office has cut a deal with

                          
                                    the rink and the Finns to combine the two teams, effective Sunday, October
                                    15, 2006.

WOLVES DEFEAT STINGERS

Subject:

Wolves v. Stingers, October 2, 2006

Date:

Oct 4, 2006 12:06 PM

By; Todd Thibodo (Brought to you by The Law Offices of Mark Daniel Melnick)

With half of the roster too aged, infirm or indifferent to make last night's 10:00 p.m. game, an outnumbered Wolves squad of six skaters and substitute goaltender Brian Iles took the ice in Panorama City against a Stingers team looking for payback for last month’s 10-5 Wolves victory.

The Wolves quickly established a 1-0 lead and proceeded to fight hard for the next 40 minutes, but trailed 5-3 after two periods. As the game wore on, it appeared that it would not be the Wolves' night. With 13:45 remaining in the third period, the Stingers seemed to have the game well in hand with an 8-3 lead.

To add injury to insult, a vicious blue line collision opened a nasty gash on the chin of Wolves defenseman Gregg Gretzburg, and it appeared that the Wolves would have to finish out the game with five skaters. As Gretzburg tended to his injury on the Wolves bench, Geof Weil scored to make it a more-respectable 8-4, with 11:36 to go. A Stingers penalty led to a Taka Tatematsu powerplay goal, and the score was 8-5, with 9:12 remaining. Then, Gretzburg returned without missing a shift, and a wicked Joe Garofalo shot 15 seconds after Taka’s goal brought the Wolves to within two.

With nine minutes left to play, the Stinger’s once-solid lead was evaporating, and the score was 8-6. There was a scent of blood on the ice, and it wasn't just Gretzburg's. Perhaps sensing the shift in momentum, the Stingers took their timeout. Gretzburg, whose hobby is obscure Wolves statistics, pointed out that no team that has taken a timeout while leading the Wolves has gone on to win the game.

With the Stingers tiring and playing not to lose, the Wolves closed the gap to 8-7 on another clutch goal by Joe Garofalo, with six minutes left. Brian Iles’ solid goaltending kept it a one-goal game. With 5:04 remaining, the Wolves completely erased the five-goal deficit when Todd Thibodo’s second swipe at a rebound poked the puck into the net. Regulation ended, and the Wolves lined up for overtime.

Mid-way through overtime, with the Wolves looking to cap their comeback, Taka Tatematsu took the puck in stride at the Wolves blue line and sprinted down ice. Taka was not to be denied. Weaving through and around at least three Stingers, Taka ended the game with a wrist shot to the short-side.

The ironman award goes to Gregg Ginsburg, who finished the game with a fat lip, bloody chin and two points, including the assist on Taka’s OT game-winner. Todd Thibodo opened and closed the Wolves regulation scoring and finished with two points. The four horsemen of Silverman, Garofalo, Weil and Tatematsu finished with a combined 19 points!, led by Marc Silverman with six (one goal and five assists), five each from Joe Garofalo (three goals, two assists) and Geof Weil (one goal, four assists), and three from Taka Tatematsu (two goals and one assist), who spent most of the game anchoring the Wolves’ defense.

Goaltender Brian Iles played a strong game, facing 37 shots overall and turning away 15 of 18 in the third period, including several point-blank shots late, to keep the Wolves in the game.

Referee Max turned in a fine solo effort, calling few penalties in a hard-fought but clean game.

Subject:	BURBANK WOLVES LOSE
Date:	Oct 2, 2006 12:13 AM

With Gregg Gretzburg filling in for Phat Dan in net, the Wolves went down to a 10 - 3 defeat tonight in Division Two play at Burbank.

Marc Silverman, Born to be Weil, Todd Thibodo, Tom Hanson, Coast-to-Coast, Scott Lauritzen and the Playoff Sniper all fought against tough odds, but it was not our night.

Phat Dan was out. Nico has a bad shoulder. Joe was sick. Adrian was out of town. Dave Glover was stuck in a Budweiser vat. Nick Marnell didn't make it.

Sean Fuchs was detained. And so on.

It was not our night. But, as Todd pointed out, we still are the Defending Champions at Burbank.

Subject:	WOLVES TOPPLE TORNADOES, 8 - 6
Date:	Sep 27, 2006 1:15 AM

Taking on the Tornadoes for the first time since beating them in last season's playoffs, the Wolves came out on top tonight by a final score of 8 - 6. The win improves the lupine record to 2 - 1 for the young season.

It was especially gratifying to defeat the Tornadoes tonight because some of the Wolves' better-known players were out. Joe Garofalo was flu-ridden and Nico Rodriguez had to work late at the Bath House in West Hollywood.

So, reaching deep within, some less-heralded Wolves showed what rapacity is all about. Geoff "Born to be Weil" Weil scored a hat trick -- for the third consecutive game. Marc Silverman scored a hat trick. Taka Tatematsu added a goal for the winners.

But the star of the night, the man destined to make everyone forget Nico, the one to challenge for the goal-scoring title, was none other than Svelte Dan himself, Coast to Coast Melnick, Black Diamond Dan, who scored the eighth and most important lupine goal with three minutes left in the third period.

After the game, Captain Dan thanked the Law Offices of Mark Daniel Melnick for his success.

The night also marked the return to the Wolfpack of longtime Brother Wolf Joe Schultz. Joe got an assist on Marc's third goal and assisted on the Melnick goal.

(This email is brought to you by the Law Offices of Mark Daniel Melnick -- for all your legal needs.)

Gretzburg got two assists, while K.C. Mathews and the Playoff Sniper competed to see who got jobbed the most by the morons masquerading as "officials." K.C. got an "interference" call for a perfect defensive play on Daniel Kim, while the Sniper got called when one of the Blowjobs fell down within five feet of the Sniper.

(If you need legal services, please call the Law Offices of Mark Daniel Melnick, now in Encino and other fine cities.)

Goalie Mike Oke was out due to a car accident yesterday and Brian somebody filled in.

The next Division One game is next Tuesday night, October 3, at 8:30 p.m.

Subject: Finns Lose big to Wolves

September 22, 2006

In the biggest game of the young season and in a payback

for their disloyalty to the Melnick League, the Division 2 Wolves

blasted the Finns, 15 - 9.

From the first minute of the game it was evident that

the white haired ones from Lapland should have stayed in the

frozen north where they belong. Early in the first period the

Wolves took a commanding 6 to 1 lead and then the Wolves basically

coasted to a 15 to 9 victory led by goals, to numerous to count,

from Nico, three goals from Thibodo and contributions from

Silverman and Weil.

Due to the new rules there were numerous unnecessary and ridiculous

penalties assessed against both teams culminating in a truly ludicrous

penalty against Nico for interference when he skated in WITH THE PUCK

and the goalie (Kari the diver Passi) came out of the goal to try stop

him and they collided. The referee had no valid explanation

for calling interference against the person carrying the puck.

Notably, Karri makes a living out of diving. He probably is in heaven

with the new USA hockey rules. He no doubt will fall down on every play

and demand a penalty. After his collision with Nico he put in yet

another academy award performance laying on the ice feigning injury.

But it was too little too late and the unjustified penalty had no impact

on the Wolves easy and lackadaisical march to 15 goals.

As one player put it:

"The Finns suck. They were disloyal to the Wolves and to the

Melnick League. When they pulled their team out, the Melnick

Division collapsed. Last season several of the Finns thought

they were too good to play on the D - 3 Wolves and they dropped

off. As a result, the D - 3 team did not have enough players

and had a horrible season."

Last night was payback. But only the beginning! Next time the Wolves

might not go so easy on them.

Subject:	Wolves Lose to Rougebags
Date:	Sep 20, 2006 1:28 AM

Wolves lose, life sucks.

Subject:

WOLVES OPEN NEW SEASON WITH 10 - 5 WIN OVER STINGERS

Date:

Sep 13, 2006 3:12 AM

Showing they are ready to defend their Championship, the Division One Wolves opened the Winter Season tonight at Panorama with a 10 - 5 win over the Stingers.

Joltin' Joe Garofalo got off to a torrid start with a natural hat trick for the first three lupine goals. Joe finished the evening with four goals and three assists to take first place in team scoring, well ahead of the absent Bruno Brokeback (Nico) who was out making a "movie."

"Born to be Weil" actually found the net tonight, scoring three third-period goals and assisting on two others. Marc Silverman added two goals and three assists, while Taka Tatematsu had one goal and two assists.

Tenacious Todd Thibodo attained playmaker status with three assists, while defensemen Gregg Gretzburg (2) and K.C. Mathews (1) also tallied assists. After a shaky start (the Wolves were down 3 - 0), Mike Oke turned in a strong game in net.

The Playoff Sniper was nowhere to be found. It was rumored when he heard about the new USA Hockey crackdown on clutch-and-grab hockey he asked to be taken out to a firing squad and shot.

Subject:

ABSURD RULE TAKES GAME FROM BURBANK WOLVES

Date:

Sep 18, 2006 3:28 AM

In the season opener at Burbank tonight, the Division Two Wolves went down to defeat, 9 - 7, to a team called the Crazy Eights. The Wolves, of course, are the defending Champions of the Burbank Beer League.

The Rink penalized the Wolves two goals for not starting the game on time. Thus, when the Wolves finally had their five skaters on the ice, four minutes had ticked off the clock and the opposition was ahead, 2 - 0.

From then on, it was a 7 - 7 tie.

The lupine squad had only five skaters -- Joe, Marc, Nico, Coast-to-Coast and the Sniper. Tom Hanson came sometime in midgame.

Numerous players -- including Geoff Weil -- did not come to the game because Putzburg had said there would be no game. The Wolves as a team have sharpened their sticks and are scouring Encino to find Putzburg and impale him on the sharpened sticks.

The lone Wolves who did show up gave their hearts and souls every shift.

NOTICE TO BURBANK WOLVES -- THE NEXT GAME IS THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 at 9:30 p.m. -- no matter what, if anything, Putzburg says.